Proud Of My Restraint, Really

Dude pushing middle age: The good thing is, as I've gotten older, I've gotten more debatable.
Younger chick who may or may not be me: You've gotten more debatable.
Dude: Yeah, I'm, like, better at listening to other people's points of view and not just telling them they're wrong. I've really gotten a lot more debatable.
Younger chick: Wow.

Whatever Works

My friend, and fellow Midwest transplant, was telling me with wide eyes about her recent night out at a gay bar.

"...And some guys would just walk up to a guy at the bar and grab his package! Can you imagine if I tried to pick up guys by doing that?? That wouldn't work."

I corrected her, saying that it would probably be extremely effective.

It's Unignorable, The Lack Of Action

I haven't decided if moving to San Francisco had been good or bad for my ego. On the ONE hand, I get hit on a lot. A lot a lot, like catcalls walking down the street and invites to dance clubs from complete strangers. I've said "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend" so many times I'd start to believe it, if it weren't for the total and unignorable lack of action.

But you know in Scary Movie how there's the housekeeper with the one deformed little shriveled hand, that kinda looks like a combination of a fetal pig and an earthworm? That's the OTHER hand, here. Because the guys that are hitting on me. . .um, does it sound just too too egotistical to say I consider myself out of their league? Like, far out of their league? Like, I'm the majors and they're the Booneville Beauty College intramural softball team?

One thing I looked forward to, moving up here from my last town, was the larger dating pool. In my hometown, there weren't that many straight, attractive, non-drug-addicted, employed kind of guys, and I'd already dated them all. But so far, all the attention I've gotten has been from fat fortyish balding men carrying shopping bags or herds of thuglings in loud sweatshirts and ill-fitting pants.

It's getting a little un-awesome.

I Didn't Ask For C*ck Pictures, Either

A couple of weeks ago, more out of boredom than anything else, I posted an ad in the personals section of Craigslist. (Don't look at me like that. It was just for entertainment value.) It was short, to the point, and did not include any version of the phrase "hey freaks come and get it." I received 200ish responses.

Some of the choicest, with original spelling and punctuation intact (natch):

“I'm going to get the details out of the way so I can dwell on my ex-girlfriend in the next paragraph"

“oh, yeah, and the friends-first thing works perfectly for me. i can't get it up.”

“Brain is not important for me. I don't think,i just do it”

"Naturally Dom guy here, loves to be in Control behind closed doors(light bondage, bdsm etc/Not into pain though) I can be aggressive, yet gentle, erotic and freaky, but sensual"

“im also a bounty hunter”

“I'm single and never been married, I live with my parents and have no kids.”

“hey, so what kind of black guy are you looking for?”

“saw your post and i think you deserve a chance to get to know me.”

“i can show you around, i guess. just don't make me feel like a loser babysitting some girl who's new to the city.”

And my personal favorite:

“I am 5'10" almost 200lbs. But you wouldn't know it from looking at me cause it's almost all muscle.”