Burning Some Beach

My first bonfire since moving to the city was late one night on Ocean Beach and me and some of my classmates and their friends and roommates all met on the beach with our blankets and supplies and were soon waved over by a group of strangers originally from Michigan to join their group since they already had a fire going and we thanked them by sharing our hot dogs and marshmallows and after the Michigan group left the fire their place was quickly taken by another group of strangers that we invited over to help with our mini drum circle and even though my efforts to get the whole beach to sing along with my acoustic arrangement of Steve Miller Band's "The Joker" fell flat and it was getting cold with the sun having gone down I was still feeling good because it was my turn to sip from the bottle of gin and as I did so I could look around the fire and see that the guy across from me was smiling because he had found the beat on his drum that he was looking for and the girl beside me was smiling because she was halfway through her joint and the girl on the other side was smiling because she was staring out at the waves and the girl in the stroller was smiling because she was two-and-a-half years old, she was asleep, and her mom had named her Journey.

Cancer and Fruit

Today I was smoking an after-lunch cigarette (albeit at 3:00 pm--I work hard!) and I saw a woman walking down the street sipping her Jamba Juice. As we passed by each other going opposite directions on Market Street, I noticed that there was a cigarette perched between her left index and middle fingers. Jamba Juice and a cigarette simultaneously? Really? I can't say that I haven't been guilty of this particular combo myself, but I at least have the presence of mind to hide the 500-calorie juice bomb in my purse until I finish my Parlie. Duh.

Homeless Guy News Roundup, Friday, May 4th

A fidgety homeless dude was in front of me in line at the post office, and we shared about a 20-minute, slow-moving wait before being helped. When it was his turn, the homeless dude approached the lady across from him and asked for a stamp.

"One stamp?" the lady clarified.

"Yeah," he said, and plopped a fistful of change on the counter.


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I was walking down the sidewalk one afternoon, and came to a temporary stop in front of a Chinese restaurant to read the menu that was posted on the window. A second later, a man was shuffling up beside me, readying to ask me for money. He didn't go with the direct approach ("Spare change?") or the life story ("Maan, I'm livin' on the street because my girl kicked me out...") or the lowball approach ("You got a quarter?") or the humor angle (see below post) . Rather, he went for the guilt trip.

Guy, looking at my feet: "Whooo-hoo! I'd like to know where you got those shoes!"

Me: "Well, I bought them used off of Ebay."

Guy: "Well yeah....but....ok, still though....I mean..."


Did I just make a homeless guy backpedal?


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Loud homeless guy in a preachy mood: "...And do you know what the crime rate in that city is??"

Cop, arms crossed, looking bored: *answers with silent, condescending stare*

Loud homeless guy: "ZERO!!!!!!"

Proud Of My Restraint, Really

Dude pushing middle age: The good thing is, as I've gotten older, I've gotten more debatable.
Younger chick who may or may not be me: You've gotten more debatable.
Dude: Yeah, I'm, like, better at listening to other people's points of view and not just telling them they're wrong. I've really gotten a lot more debatable.
Younger chick: Wow.

Chocolate Vs. Hepatitis, Round 1

Random sample of the awesome craziness loose in San Francisco: Today, in front of my house, there was a man sprawled out, completely asleep on a sunny day at 1 in the afternoon, on the hood of a teal Acura Legend (circa 1995). His feet were not on the hood with him, no, his feet rested on the seat of an upright beat-up 10-speed bicycle on the sidewalk (I don't know how he kept it upright either). And resting on his stomach was an open plastic container, you know, the kind they give you to take your salad home in, and it was full of chocolate-chip cookies.

And my first thought? It wasn't "Oooh, is that guy on drugs?" or "What a weirdo." No, this is San Francisco, and really, the whole thing wasn't as weird as seeing the woman who was peeing against a wall like a dog on Market St. five minutes before this. My first thought was more like "I wonder if he'll give me one of his chocolate chip cookies."

M&M In A Tree

Corner of Chestnut and Sansome, 5:00 p.m., 4/13/07


From the back.

The whole thing?

Friday found me very cranky and itching from head to toe (allergy attack from the stargazer lillies sitting at the reception desk in the office), so when my co-workers suggested Grumpy's for lunch, I was all "Fuck yeah. Two beer lunch." We secured a nice table in the back and as I was about to take the first sip of my cold one, some crazy-eyed bitch comes up to me a sticks a microphone in my face. And by in my face, I mean maybe an eighth of an inch from my lips. And this was no regular microphone, it was gigantic and covered in that squishy black stuff they put on earphones. This ho looks me straight in the eyes with a very serious expression and asks this golden nugget of the question "Should we re-design the internet to make it more safe?" My response: "You mean the whole thing?" Then I went into a liberal intellectual rant about how there should be no government regulation of this wonderful free space and if suburban moms don't want to look at porn, then by God, they shouldn't type in hotfucking.com on their destination bar.

Her response: "You are the first one to say that. Everyone else is for safety measures."

Great, hope I turned out to be a stellar soundbite for KGO Newstalk 810.